A Recipe for Crappy Stands of Corn

Every year, I get a lot of phone calls from folks wanting to know why their neighbor’s fields of corn ended up with such poor uneven lousy-looking stands. Since some seem so ecstatic about this happening to their neighbors, I figured maybe they would like to know how to prepare a crappy stand of corn for themselves next year.

The following recipe will prepare one helping of a crappy stand of corn. Add more acreage as desired.

Ingredients:

  • One (1) field, level and poorly drained.
  • Wait until the last possible moment to burn down any winter annual weeds or cover crops.
  • Plant one (1) or more hybrids of your choice, but preferably ones with poor seed quality and low vigor.
  • Do NOT add any starter fertilizer to the recipe.
    • However, an ample amount of starter fertilizer placed right next to the seed will add a little “zing” to the recipe.
  • Add a dash of seed rot or seedling blight organisms.
  • Add a pinch of wireworms or seedcorn maggots.
  • Plenty of spring tillage to maximize soil compaction, though one pass with a disc will suffice if the soil is “on the wet side” when worked.
  • Flavor with acetanilide or growth regulator herbicides as desired.
  • Add minimum of one inch of rain per week after planting to maintain saturated soil conditions.
  • Top off with one or more severe frost events to provide a nice, crisp appearance to the plants.

Mix well and plant as early as possible no matter how cold or wet the soils. Maintain average daily soil temperatures at 50oF or less for three weeks or more after planting. Plant “on the wet side” to ensure good sidewall compaction. Plant either excessively deep or excessively shallow. Plant as fast as you possibly can to ensure uneven seed drop. For best results, follow corn with corn, especially with minimal fall tillage. Top off with a thick soil crust and serve cold.

Will serve 6 people (farmer, fertilizer & ag chemical dealer, industry tech rep, seed dealer, county agent, university specialist) and amuse the entire neighborhood.

* Disclaimer: This recipe is provided “tongue in cheek” as a reminder that stand establishment is one of the most important phases of the entire corn growing season. Success or failure during stand establishment impacts not only final plant population but also ear size determination once the crop moves into the rapid growth phase. Let’s be careful out there!

Related reading

Nielsen, RL (Bob). 2012. Corn Replant Decisions. Corny News Network, Purdue Univ. Online at http://www.kingcorn.org/news/timeless/ReplantDecisions.html [URL accessed March 2018].

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